There I was, sitting, having dinner with myself at the Carrabba’s in Terminal C of the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta Intetrnational Airport. I’d been meaning to do this for a very long time. In my mind, there is something so grown up about walking into a restaurant and saying with complete confidence, “Table for one.”
I also think that phrase will make a great title for my book. Great, glad we figured that out.
I did a quick scan of the restaurant and I seemed to be the only person sitting at a table alone. Sure, I could’ve gone and sat at the bar but somehow that seemed like cheating. I felt like I needed to sit across from no one and have a meal with myself in order for it to be a solo legitimate experience. So, there I was. Alone. It also just happened to be Christmas Day.
Now, before you start to feel bad for me, just don’t. I hate that.
Or do. Whatever. I can’t stop you.
Luckily, I was dressed somewhat like a business woman- meaning, I was wearing a blazer. And, I was also typing viciously at a computer (working on this very blog post)so maybe I just fooled everyone in the restaurant into thinking I was a lonely workaholic (because this blog is serious business, people). I also drowned myself in food/wine so maybe people thought someone was coming to join me at some point.
But if we’re being honest, I probably did not fool anyone. I started to tear up when I was on the phone with a friend and said out loud, “I’m in this airport alone on Christmas.” And while we’re laying it all out there I also said at one point, “I don’t want to come back to New York.” Here’s why:
1. New York is cold.
2. New York is grey.
3. New York is rude.
4. New York is selfish.
5. New York is lonely.
I am in the most screwed up relationship with this place. It really does very little to help me out in this journey called life. I go home for the holidays where it’s warm and sunny and the people are nice and it feels safe and I truly question my sanity. Why have I chosen to live in a place that does this to me? The only explanation I have come up with is that I’ve fallen under the spell of the city and in doing so have become a masochist.
Because in the end, I got on that plane and dragged my butt back to this city I’m slowly learning to call home. Here’s why:
1. New York challenges me.
2. New York lets me do anything I want.
3. New York brings the most fascinating people into my life.
4. New York teaches me in ways no one else can.
5. New York keeps me coming back for more.
New York, I hate you but I love you. I don’t know if that will ever change but that’s where we are at right now and I’m ok with that. I’m ready for whatever obstacles and adventures you want to throw my way. I have enough defense mechanisms to deploy; the most prominent being that if you try to fuck with me, I’ll turn around and write a hilarious blog post about it. So bring it on.