Here’s what happened to me yesterday.
7:30am. I wake up before my alarm because it’s summer and the sun streams through my window at such a ridiculously early hour. Normally, I would draw the curtains but alas, I need to keep them open so my window A/C unit can work it’s magic. The struggle is real. After snoozing my alarm twice, I finally get out of bed, make a cup of coffee, get distracted with trying to pack for the day and run out of time to drink my coffee so I end up dumping it in my to-go tumbler (why I didn’t just brew it into that tumbler directly, I don’t know).
8:40am. I hop on the train to head downtown. There was so much fucking construction going on that I had no idea whether or not the train I got on would take me where I needed to go but nonetheless, I got on and hoped for the best. I didn’t have to be at work until 10:30 but I’ve been trying to create the habit of working out before brunch service so as to put myself in a more positive place and thereby avoiding any civilian casualties.
9:30am. I’m in class at a studio I’ve never been to before when all of a sudden the instructor says, “Ok, everybody grab a trampoline!” My approximate reaction:
10:00am. Trampoline torture is over and now I can cross that off my bucket list.
10:30am. I get to work early and find out the private brunch party I’m working is a BABY SHOWER. Normally, parties are easy breezy beautiful CoverGirl but pregnant people (and their friends/families) are freaking high maintenance!! Like. Ok we get it- you are growing a human being inside of you and that’s great but you brought that upon yourself so it’s no excuse to be exceptionally needy. Needless to say, I was not in the mood to deal with this.
5:00pm. I am finally heading home. I’m exhausted and hungry even though I’d been snacking all throughout my shift because it turns out pregnant people and their friends over order and under eat. When I get home, I can’t figure out what to make for dinner. I’m hungry, I smell bad, things just aren’t looking good. I have to give myself an emotional pep talk just to get in the friggin shower. Once I’m clean, I sit on the couch, start season two of Madam Secretary and that’s when the weirdness starts to set in.
8:15pm. I’m in a weird mood. I say weird because I could not figure out what the hell I was feeling. I don’t know where this came from or why I can’t snap out of it but before long I’m crying. TEARS. Tears are streaming down my face. I’m confused and sad and I don’t know how to sort it out.
No one is around to tranquilize me and put me out of my misery so I’m left to sort this out on my own. I am going crazy trying to sort this out so I do the only thing I can think of to help- I write. I write down everything that comes to mind. Some of it is nonsense but some of it is revelatory and by the time I finish, I have a better idea of what the hell I am feeling.
Everyone has insecurities. I believe this without a doubt. We all carry them but they manifest themselves differently depending on the person. For me, most of the time it’s just a shadow of a thought. Every once in a while, I’ll catch myself voicing these insecurities out loud. And then there are those rare times when all the things I’m not confident about rear their heads simultaneously, I get completely overwhelmed and the result is a Category 5 meltdown. I’m not going to write about those insecurities themselves because that would be way too vulnerable and daring of me and I’m not that cool. But I will say that I gave myself permission to feel whatever was coming up- sadness, anger, frustration, fear, loneliness. I cried a lot and eventually I fell asleep but not before I cried more. I gave myself permission to be an emotional mess and in hindsight, it was amazing.
I don’t know what brought this on. Maybe I was sleep deprived. Maybe working brunch is an emotional trigger. Maybe I was a little jealous of that pregnant woman who was surrounded by all her loved ones and celebrating the next clear chapter of her life. I don’t know what is next. Sometimes that makes things exciting, sometimes it’s messy and sometimes it’s really scary.
Someone once told me that I have to let myself feel things so that I can let them go. Starting today, I am trying to be more aware of feeling whatever comes up and then letting that shit go.