Things Are Different Now

Remember that bar? 
The one where you first saw me? I mean really saw me.  
I haven’t been back to that place in almost two years. 
I can’t hear the name of it without think about us.
Well tonight, they wouldn’t let me in. 
When’s the last time I went somewhere that asked for my I.D.?!
My usual Saturday night is spent running around the dining room trying not to kill someone.
The funny thing is I knew they were going to be carding. 
The funnier thing is I knew I wasn’t going to get in. 
The funniest thing is I didn’t even want to get in.
After a rejection I was fully prepared for, I opted for Plan B.
After a quick walk through the Lower East Side, I got to where I wanted to be.
 The look on your face when you saw me was a rejection I wasn’t prepared for.

In the beginning, your face would light up when I walked in.
I took extra time getting ready if I knew you’d be there.
I was a secret.
Things are different now.

I make a quick excuse for why I’m there.
It’s a restaurant in New York City.
I don’t need a fucking excuse to be there.
Bartender asks if anyone is joining me. 
Nope- just me. 
Bartender asks if I have allergies or aversions. 
Yup- I hate raw celery.
Part of me wonders if they’re asking because they want to send extras.
I want to believe they know I’m special. 
We don’t always get what we want.
Things are different now.

I try to catch your eye as you float around the room.
I try to connect for just a moment.

Remember when I was the only one you could see?
Now it’s like you’d rather do anything else than see me.
It’s like you’re looking past me, through me, around me.
Things are different now.

I hate this.
I hate everyone around me.
I hate that they’re getting the best of you.
I hate that I’m getting none of you.
And I hate hearing your laugh.

You can hear it from across the room.
It’s the most genuine, goofy sound.
It used to be one of my favorite sounds.
Things are different now.

I tell myself, 
“Don’t look eager. 
Don’t look lonely. 
Don’t look desperate.
Don’t let your disappointment show.”
I try to hide.
I try to make no fuss.
I try to stop the waves of nostalgia.
Another bite of food. 
Another sip of sherry. 
It’s not working.
Once late at night you said that you feel like I’m spying on you when I surprise you at work. 
It’s the last thing I expected to hear.
It seemed like such a strange thing to say.
Things are different now.

Bartender strikes up a conversation.
He’s nice.
He’s handsome. 
He’s worldly.
He’s good at his job.
A good bartender is a dangerous thing.

Now I’m smiling.
Now I’m laughing.
Now I’m catching your eye.
Now I’m trying to hurt you too.

I really thought we could change.
I really thought we might have a chance.
That things could be different.

I leave without caring if you see me or not.
On my way home I hear a subway musician singing, 
“Oh Darling, please believe me. I’ll never do you no harm.”  
I want to believe it.
But I can’t.

Everything is different now. 

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