Young and Dumb

We were so young the last time we did this.
It wasn’t a date then.
For obvious reasons.

And it’s not a date now.
So why was I/am I nervous?
Young and dumb is the saying, no?
Well here’s the thing-
we are smart.
We’ve always been smart.

We were young.
We’re different now.
Now we’re old(er).
And wise(er)?
I hope so.
I have to keep telling myself that.
I don’t want to make the same mistake again.

I never liked the idea of getting old.
I don’t feel old.
Until my knee starts revolting agains me as I run.
I run a half marathon on Earth Day
in one of the most beautiful places in the continental U.S.
Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.
If I got an amazing trip out of every half marathon I run,
I’d run more.

I never liked running before
but now it feels necessary
and running through my childhood home
is like therapy in a way.
These trips home are a trap in some ways.
It’s so easy to fall in love with this place.
Life here is warm and sunny and happy.
My other life was cold and gray and dreary.
The other life never felt like home.

New York is frantic.
Stuart is leisurely.
New York is massive.
Stuart is tiny.
I always liked driving fast though.
Maybe it’s the thrill of getting caught.
There’s something to be said for that, no?
The rush.
Apparently, “that rush” releases so much dopamine 
that your limbic system hijacks your moral senses
but the crash is the worst.
Thank God I never crashed a car
but I do have multiple points on my license.
Points = mistakes.I’m learning that slow doesn’t always mean bad.
Friends doesn’t mean you can’t care about someone.
Leaving the city you always dreamed of doesn’t mean you failed.
Not knowing what you want is ok.
I’m figuring it out.
It’s not a date.
And we are not young and dumb.

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