Arachnid Crisis

I’m really trying to be at peace with myself and the world around me.
It seems to be going well today until
I spot a larger spider crawling along the wall of my room.
I hate spiders.
I know we swallow 7 a year in our sleep 
but that annoyingly disturbing information doesn’t help anyone.
I know I am going to have to deal with this creature somehow.
So, I take one of several notebooks I have lying around
and smash the shit out of it.
All without smearing it into the carpet, mind you.
Then I go upstairs to eat pizza.
My plan is to return to the scene of the crime
and dispose of the evidence somehow.
Usually I take 3-4 tissues, 
pick up the dead thing,
wince as I hold the mass of tissues as far away from my body as possible 
and throw it into the toilet as quickly as possible.

Well, I get back to my room and the spider is gone.
This is the worst thing that could’ve happened
because that means there is an arachnid on the lose somewhere in my bedroom.
I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is.
First thing I decide to do is swear up a storm,
followed by a solid 45 seconds of wining.
Then I throw a very brief temper tantrum
and half-heartedly beg my dad to come downstairs to help me.
Spoiler alert: he did not come to my resuce.
When it appears I have no other choice,
I decide to man up a la that amazing song from BOOK OF MORMON.
“I’m gonna man up all over myself!”
Hilarious and brilliant.
I figure this stupid spider couldn’t have actually gotten that far
because I do believe I at least managed to maim it earlier.
My deductive reasoning leads me to the conclusion that it had crawled behind my very heavy desk.
I never realized the extent of my own determination until I was confronted by this stupid spider.
I single-handedly move this piece of furniture and
there it is.
I’m not really in the mood to smash it anywhere
so I scramble to find a dustbuster
and I suck it away.
If only all of my problems were so easily remedied.

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