More Than

I found my mind wandering in the shower this morning.
These thoughts were being spurred by the new Shawn Mendes album,
which I am obsessed with and play in it’s entirety fairly regularly.
“Why did I stay? And why the hell did I keep coming back?”
Why did I stay when I knew there were still problems
in spite of all my time and energy
and (what I believed to be) love?
I stayed because with you,
I felt like more than I was.
More than the sum of my (good and bad) choices.
I stayed because you brought out joy.
Joy that I was missing since the city.
I stayed because it was easy.
I was silly and ridiculous and natural
and you’d be laughing the morning away with me.
I stayed because I learned to love you more than I loved myself.
Do you know what I mean?
Did you feel that too?
Is that why you pushed away?
Is that why I didn’t want to see the full picture?
I stayed because I want to love?
I want to love.
More than anything.

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