Note to self

Hey Kels,

I know you’ve been going through a tough time.
I know you thought your life was going to look a lot different at this point.
And I know this is really hard for you.

Do you know where you are?
Take a good look.
For the first time in your life,
you’re smack in the middle of tension.
The dip.
The shit.
The slump.
Welcome.

I know you hate it here.
I know you want to leave.
I know you feel left behind.

But look at what you’re doing.

You’re asking the tough questions.
Who’s it for?
What’s it for?

You’re quieting all that chatter.
You’re adjusting the frequency.
You’re creating space for possibility.

You’re emotionally letting go.
You’re learning to not know.
You’re taking it one step at a time.

And guess what?
You’re going to be fine.

You may not make a decision at the end of the altMBA.
You may not make a decision at the start of the new year.
That’s ok.
Here’s the catch.
You will not make a decision if you’re aiming for the right answer.
Because there is no right answer.

You can find more clarity.
You can summon more courage.
You can cultivate more curiosity.

And one day,
maybe where you least expect it,
you will have an answer.
How exciting.

Until then,
lean in to resistance,
embrace the tension,
hold on to the gifts of the past,
let go of what you don’t need anymore,
and savor that silence.

Listen.
And when you hear it,
turn that shit up.

Trust the process.

Love,
Kels

P.S. I’m your biggest fan.

Sunset Miles

I went for a run this evening.

Because I slept in this morning,
I sat at a desk all day,
I ate an entire bar of chocolate last night,
and a candy bar during my lunch break,
and I texted that boy back
because he’s fun.

To some degree, it was a good idea.

Because the sunset was beautiful,
the air was refreshing,
the pavement was comforting,
the water was calming,
the pain was distracting
and I was feeling better.

To another degree, it was stupid idea.

Because I started off with an aggressive pace,
I forgot how buggy it gets at night,
I ate too much for dinner,
and had half a glass of cheap Pinot Grigio,
I could barely see the sidewalk,
and I wanted to vomit.

But I did it.

Romantic?
Sure.
Stupid?
More likely.
Would I do it again?
Ha.

Every time

Every time

Every time he reaches out,
don’t forget he shut you down.

Every time he makes you smile,
don’t forget he makes your eye twitch.

Every time you miss that warm water,
don’t forget to take a cold shower.

Every time you hear that song,
don’t forget you can skip it.

Every time you muse over that night,
don’t forget the rude awakening.

Every time you think it’s different,
don’t forget it’s always the same.

Every time you miss it,
remember that you don’t need it.

Every time he says it’s just friends,
remember there’s no such thing.

Rewire your imagination.
Rewrite your story.
Reframe your perspective.

You’ve done it before.
You’ll do it again.

What are you waiting for?

An Apology

I forgot how to play.
Play became work.
“Success” become paramount.
Everything but was “failure”.
Then you showed up
and you made me laugh.
You told me it’s ok
to not know.
But I wanted answers.
I wanted facts.
I wanted to get it “right”.
I made it “serious”.
I added pressure.
I killed possibility.
And now,
I’m sorry.

Sports

People around the world really care about soccer.
Football.
I used to be one of those people.
Well- 
let me be clear.
I care(d) about a man
(boy?)
who cares about soccer.
Soccer was one of the first things I quit.
My future with the sport was doomed from the start.
Are we laughing about that yet?

People in the United States really care about baseball.
The Great American Pastime.
I’ve never been one of those people.
And
let me be clear.
I care(d) about a boy
(man?)
who cares about baseball.
Baseball was one of those things I never got into.
My interest in the sport never took off.
Isn’t that ironic?

Too much

I think we should stop.
I think you should leave.
I want more space
I want more time
to figure out
to write out
my feelings
my thoughts.
There is too much
There is too little
for me
from me
on the line.
on the page.
I care too much.
I edit too much.