I hate this weather.

It’s a special wet cold that I find particularly dreary.
The kind of day where I just want to sit around and watch
the new season of The Crown
with someone who loves me.
And I got a bit of that.
But I also got to walk home in the cold.
Back to reality.
There are parts of my reality that I’m not crazy about right now.
I wonder if I made the right choice.
Is this really what I want?
I don’t know what I want these days.
But the things I don’t want are more clear to me most days.
I still doubt myself.
All the time.
I wonder if I did the right thing.
I wonder what it would look like another way.
A Sunday where I might have seen you.
Or at least texted you because tonight’s pretty sunset
would have been a perfect excuse to initiate a conversation .
Not that I was ever at a shortage of excuses.
A lot of things lead me back to you.
That’s still where my brain likes to go
more often than I like.
It was nice while it lasted.
Whatever it was.
But at the end of the day,
I don’t miss that roller coaster
we put me on.
Oh but when it was good,
it was great.
Is that why I still think about it?
Why am I so hung up on it?
Why haven’t I been able to find anything like it?
The good parts I mean.
There hasn’t been anyone that’s even remotely close.
I haven’t found it again yet.
And that’s that.
Maybe I need a project.
Something that is so consuming,
that takes up all the space I spend thinking about
how much I hate the weather
and other such generally negative themes
including relations lost.
But it’s that kind of day
where I wish there was someone to come home to.
A warm meal and a warm bed.
I miss that.
Not to say that things are bad the way are.
I have a lot to be grateful for.
It frustrates me that I want it.
Because wanting it
and not having it
is the worst
especially today.
I hate how soon it gets dark.
I miss living in a place where the sun shines and it’s warm.
Why did I choose to come back here?
Because it’s unlike any other place.
It’s singular.
But it gets really grey and smells bad.
Loneliness creeps in more easily here.
I live in the most populous city in America
and yet some times
not all the time
but a lot of the time
I feel alone.
And the weather doesn’t help.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s