Welcome back.

It feels so good to be in my own bed. The shitty wifi is a familiar discomfort. After being gone for so long, I almost forgot how much I missed my space.

Opening my laptop is stressful. So many tabs open. I really should be mindful of tidying my digital space.

When he encouraged me (in his way) to rearrange my apps, it changed the way I use my phone. Albeit I’m still on my screen way too much. It makes my eyes hurt and it’s getting harder for me to read.

I still read fast. I’ve always been a fast reader. But you already know that. Could I ever be the kind of writer that people love to read? That people look forward to reading. Is anybody even reading? What would I write about? How about the good things? The things that make me feel good.

Going back to work today was not awful. Contrary to popular belief. And I feel like New York is on my side. The weather was beautiful. Compared to the snowstorm I caught in Chicago. Got off the plane from Honolulu and walked into the freezing rain. Welcome back to reality. No more sounds of the ocean lulling you to sleep. Back to the smelly streets that are full of trash.

It’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m doing the right thing. I know what I want. How often do I say what I want? I remember he would laugh whenever I’d take a second to consider my answer because he could see me thinking. I liked knowing he was watching. It’s why I love read receipts. They’re a little proof that I had your attention.

It’s kind of funny how I dropped my bags off only to pack a different bag to leave again. I don’t feel like this space is a home. All my stuff is here but this is not a home. My Airbnb in Hawaii felt more like a home. Ok maybe that’s a stretch.

Is this how books get written? I don’t even know what I’d write a book about. What kind of exciting things happen in my life? Last night I played Pictionary. And I was pretty good at it. My team still lost. I got to see my best friend shine last night. The whole weekend really. It was a nice ease back into reality.

I’m glad I got that thing off my chest. Maybe it took a trip to Hawaii to figure it out. I was told that going away makes things clear. I know what I don’t want. What I won’t entertain for no other reason than I don’t want to. It’s nice. You understand. It feels like a relief. It’s pretty clear. I did what I needed and not what I wanted.

I hate unpacking. I should complain less. Why is it so cold? I’m not complaining. I chose this. Relax your jaw.

Is this what writing a book feels like? You just sit down and go? You let the thoughts go? What’s the next thought? I think I’m doing the right thing. I think I should stop thinking about that. And that, too.

Maybe I should stop editing before it hits the page. There is no wrong way. Just do it. Is it Sheryl Sandberg who says done is better than perfect? Not to say that a Facebook executive is the person to look up to these days if you’re trying to lead a life of integrity. Is it just me? I deleted Facebook. I’m in that camp now. Not that I wouldn’t take a job at a big tech company if I had the chance. All the people that I know who work for Google, of which there are maybe 3, seem really happy. Their lives look very stable and they do things that I don’t really a care about.

What would that life be like? I don’t know. I love my job in way I never thought I would love a job. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows but I’m going to stick it out. I’m learning how to be patient.

I don’t think I’ll ever have your restraint. I just don’t see the point in denying yourself something that feels good when it’s right there. Does that make me reckless? Sometimes people get hurt. And there were times I ended up hurting myself. I knew I did something wrong just because it was there. But even just for a moment, I felt good.

It feels good to be back for now.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s