Is it just me?

Is it just me?

I know I’m supposed to accept the present moment but on this cold, gray, rainy morning in the middle of December, all I want to do is indulge in my memories of the time I spent on that warm, sunny island in the middle of the Pacific.

And now I’m crying. Why am I crying? My therapist would ask me something like what are your tears saying? I’m sad, bitch. These tears are saying I’m sad because New York does not make me happy in the ways other places do and I don’t know if it will ever even get close no matter how hard I try. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’m trying too hard to make it work when it’s just not meant to work. I tend to do that.

I know I want more but I don’t have a clear picture of what more looks like. Aside from sunny. How will what I’m doing now set me up for what’s next? Some days more often these days I feel like I’m not moving forward. I’ve been working towards solving the same problem. It’s a big problem. It takes a lot of time and I don’t have that time because there are a lot of other things being asked of me on any given day. And I’m not a goddamn software engineer although if I could do it all over again, it’s a trajectory I’d seriously consider. It’s going to be fine. Eventually. Stop crying.

Maybe the end of me and New York is closer than I want to admit. How much longer do I want to try? What are the things that I’m not getting here that I could get somewhere else? Sunshine. Wow, maybe seasonal affective disorder is a real issue for me.

But what are the things here that I can’t get anywhere else? Those are the things that I’ve stuck it out for but now I’m not so sure if those are the things I need. Maybe the things I need are things New York can’t give me. But can any place give me those things? What even are these things I’m talking about? Does it matter where I go if I don’t know what I’m looking for except for better weather? And is the weather really that important to me?!

Is it really the place?
Is it really the job?
Or is it just me?
I don’t (want to) know.

Thank you for the hat.

Thank you for the hat.

So that’s the danger of typing.
I push a few buttons and all of a sudden
the whole thing I just spent however long writing is gone.
Goddammit.
That’s wouldn’t even be possible on a typewriter.
I love technology.
It’s fine.
Just pay attention.
Don’t zone out and become unmindful.
Is that the word?
What’s the word?
What was I writing about?
This hat.
This amazing hat made by my amazing friend.
My friend who let me wear his hat home tonight
because it is too damn cold to go without.
Thank you for the hat.
I hate the cold.
I know hate is a strong word,
I’m dealing with it.
It’s nice to have a friend so close.
Although in this cold
that walk feels so far.
I’m grateful for good friends
and toe warmers.
Yes I’m wearing toe warmers.
They arrived in a package
from Amazon at work today
along with icy hot patches.
I love my job.
I love New York.
I love winter.
Repeat until true.

Aching

Aching

My back hurts. That’s new. It’s that pain that older people are always talking about. A kind I never experienced before but it’s now in the forefront of my mind as I’m lying here with my warm salt pillow pressed against my back. Thank you Mom for what I thought was a random gift that I’d never use. I’m ordering icy hot patches from Amazon on the company card. And toe warmers because I’m sick of having cold feet.

I left work feeling defeated. Not just physically. I don’t know what it’s for. Why am I doing this? I could be doing anything else. I could’ve moved anywhere for a fresh start but I came back here and I don’t know why. What am I learning from this? I don’t know what I want or where I want to go but I am getting a better idea of what I don’t want and where I don’t want to go. And that’s not nothing.

I caught myself tearing up on the train. It happens more than I’d want you to know. Is it that I’m so depressed? I don’t think so? I think I just feel things more intensely than most people. Always have. It rained all day here and I remembered how much I love when it rains there. And before I knew it, I was almost crying.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’d be lying if I said my heart doesn’t ache, too. Because on day like today, all I want to do is reach for you but you’re not here anymore. It’s been 784 days and I don’t know how to make that pain go away. There’s no icy hot for the heart.

Someone told me they saw you on a date recently. I lied when I said it didn’t bother me. I was also half a bottle of champagne in. I knew it was inevitable. I thought it’d be easier. I thought it wouldn’t hurt because I’d beaten you to it. But I care more than I want to. How did you meet? What does she look like? Is she funny? And does it even matter because deep down I know she’ll never be me. I know she might be good for you. I know I was not good for you. We were not good for each other.

I think about what life would’ve looked like with you. I want to reach out so badly. Why? Just something simple. Hey, how’s it going? But there’s no such thing as simple for me. There’s no such thing as friends for me. I feel too much remember? I can’t help it. I don’t know any other way.

I miss you.