My back hurts. That’s new. It’s that pain that older people are always talking about. A kind I never experienced before but it’s now in the forefront of my mind as I’m lying here with my warm salt pillow pressed against my back. Thank you Mom for what I thought was a random gift that I’d never use. I’m ordering icy hot patches from Amazon on the company card. And toe warmers because I’m sick of having cold feet.

I left work feeling defeated. Not just physically. I don’t know what it’s for. Why am I doing this? I could be doing anything else. I could’ve moved anywhere for a fresh start but I came back here and I don’t know why. What am I learning from this? I don’t know what I want or where I want to go but I am getting a better idea of what I don’t want and where I don’t want to go. And that’s not nothing.

I caught myself tearing up on the train. It happens more than I’d want you to know. Is it that I’m so depressed? I don’t think so? I think I just feel things more intensely than most people. Always have. It rained all day here and I remembered how much I love when it rains there. And before I knew it, I was almost crying.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’d be lying if I said my heart doesn’t ache, too. Because on day like today, all I want to do is reach for you but you’re not here anymore. It’s been 784 days and I don’t know how to make that pain go away. There’s no icy hot for the heart.

Someone told me they saw you on a date recently. I lied when I said it didn’t bother me. I was also half a bottle of champagne in. I knew it was inevitable. I thought it’d be easier. I thought it wouldn’t hurt because I’d beaten you to it. But I care more than I want to. How did you meet? What does she look like? Is she funny? And does it even matter because deep down I know she’ll never be me. I know she might be good for you. I know I was not good for you. We were not good for each other.

I think about what life would’ve looked like with you. I want to reach out so badly. Why? Just something simple. Hey, how’s it going? But there’s no such thing as simple for me. There’s no such thing as friends for me. I feel too much remember? I can’t help it. I don’t know any other way.

I miss you.

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