I know I’m supposed to accept the present moment but on this cold, gray, rainy morning in the middle of December, all I want to do is indulge in my memories of the time I spent on that warm, sunny island in the middle of the Pacific.
And now I’m crying. Why am I crying? My therapist would ask me something like what are your tears saying? I’m sad, bitch. These tears are saying I’m sad because New York does not make me happy in the ways other places do and I don’t know if it will ever even get close no matter how hard I try. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’m trying too hard to make it work when it’s just not meant to work. I tend to do that.
I know I want more but I don’t have a clear picture of what more looks like. Aside from sunny. How will what I’m doing now set me up for what’s next? Some days more often these days I feel like I’m not moving forward. I’ve been working towards solving the same problem. It’s a big problem. It takes a lot of time and I don’t have that time because there are a lot of other things being asked of me on any given day. And I’m not a goddamn software engineer although if I could do it all over again, it’s a trajectory I’d seriously consider. It’s going to be fine. Eventually. Stop crying.
Maybe the end of me and New York is closer than I want to admit. How much longer do I want to try? What are the things that I’m not getting here that I could get somewhere else? Sunshine. Wow, maybe seasonal affective disorder is a real issue for me.
But what are the things here that I can’t get anywhere else? Those are the things that I’ve stuck it out for but now I’m not so sure if those are the things I need. Maybe the things I need are things New York can’t give me. But can any place give me those things? What even are these things I’m talking about? Does it matter where I go if I don’t know what I’m looking for except for better weather? And is the weather really that important to me?!
Is it really the place?
Is it really the job?
Or is it just me?
I don’t (want to) know.