Everything happens for a reason. I’ve been telling myself that for at least as long as I’ve been dating but sometimes a reason isn’t obvious and that’s hard for me. I want an answer. I want to make sense of my life. I want to know.

Why am I leaving here to go back to New York? My job? I could get a job anywhere. A job is not a good reason. I started crying yesterday at the very thought of going back to my life in the city. That feels like a strong reaction. It may even be a good enough reason to seriously consider relocating. And when I really think about it, New York just hasn’t ever felt like home but I keep trying really hard to convince myself otherwise. 5 years including a 6-month hiatus and it hasn’t clicked yet. Why am I not happy there? Why do I have such a hard time there? Why did I go back? What am I looking for? I don’t know.

I heard he might be moving to New York. Anyone can move to New York. It’s not like I have any kind of ownership over it but it still annoyed me. Why now? Why did he text me? What was he thinking? Why am I still thinking about it? I think I’m afraid of that reason.

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