I can still have that.

I hate this weather.
Cold.
Grey.

I can’t wait to move to Hawaii.
I’m saying it out loud now.
I’m moving to Hawaii.
I’d be lying if I said I’m not sad.
Fuck.
I’m sad.
It’s fine.
I’m also really happy too.
I can still have that.
That feeling.
That glow.
I can still surrender to that.
I pull out a memory
or play a sweet song,
the kind that makes me want to move
I close my eyes and for a second
let the film roll.
I see us on a beach.
God I love the beach.
Sand. Sun. Water. Warmth.
I can still have that.
I’ll miss getting to know you.
I really like you.
I’m so curious about you.
That doesn’t go away.
I really hope I see you again.
At least we had what we had.
And what we had was so nice.
It was far more than nice.
I don’t think that goes away.
I don’t want it to go away.
This is not what I want
but I know this is right.
I’m trying to do the right thing.
Even if I don’t like it.
I am finding relief
living the truth.
My back was killing me yesterday.
And the day before and many days before that.
I needed release.
I needed to breathe.
So in some ways
I’m doing better.
In others
maybe not so much.
But I will be fine.
I’m just a little sad.
I can have that.
I’m removing myself as an option.
You can’t have me like this.
I don’t want to be a secret.
Because I know.
I can’t not know.
And knowing that we were being dishonest

was killing me.
I don’t want to stand in that darkness with you.
Not anymore.
I want to stand in the light,
where it’s warm.
It’s the better way.
Come dance with me here.
Ugh just the thought of you makes me smile.
I’m letting myself have that.
We were great.
We are still great.
Independently.
I’m not giving up the parts of me
you woke up.
I get to keep those.
I just don’t get you.
It’s exciting.
It’s sad.
I’m not done opening doors.
Inside and out.
But I’m closing the door on you.
For now.
Nothing is for ever.
For as long as it takes.
I hope one day
we can play in the sun together. 
It’s a nice thought.
Maybe we can still have that.

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