The last thing.

The last thing I wanted to see is a dead roach on my bedroom floor.
But there it was.
Fuck this day.
It’s moments like this where I want a boyfriend the most.
Someone else to deal with this shit.
Alas.
Gotta clean up the dead roach myself.

I got some feedback today that I didn’t want.
I still don’t want it.
But I got it.
Now I’m reckoning.
Am I getting what I need?
Yes and no.
I don’t know what I need.
I thought I was close to knowing but I still don’t know.

Why was I so pissed off last week?
Because I’m bored and lonely.
Ok there’s that.
Is that really it?
What is going on?
I don’t know if I’m happy at work.
I don’t know if it’s because of work.
I don’t think it’s about work.

I’m pissed because I agreed to something I don’t feel great about.
It’s bothering me.
Why can’t I let this go?
It’s not my job.
What is going on?
Am I sad?
I’m sad because I’m seeing things differently now.
I can’t not know.
But there are some things I still don’t know.
So there’s that.

It hurts.
Something hurts.
I’m sad that there are roaches in my apartment
and that my boss thinks I have a bad attitude because she’s probably not wrong.
I’m doing the best I can.
It’s hard.
Oh boy.
I think I’m sad.
The last thing I want to be right now.
New York doesn’t care if you’re sad.
Does it matter if I’m sad?
I think it matters why.
Why am I sad?
That’s the last things I want to deal with right now.
Sadness and roaches.
And screw coronavirus.

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