How I feel it

I feel it in my gut. It’s an aggressive tingling sensation. At times, it feels like that sensation could run up and out of me. I feel nauseous. My heart starts pounding, it’s racing, my breath gets shallow and my mind…what happens in my mind. Time sort of slows down, the moments feel stretched out. I’m having so many thoughts about this incoming call. It feels like a small eternity between the first buzz and the first hello. I’ve had so many thoughts, made so many arguments for and against answering. But I answer as calmly as I can considering I think this could be the onset of panic. I wonder if you can hear my body shaking. Can you hear whatever is happening to me in my voice? Why am I getting this call? Why are we doing this? Aren’t we sick of this yet? Is this really helping anything? And then suddenly, something breaks and I decide I’m done. I’m not doing this anymore. The thoughts spill out and before I know it, I’m hanging up. It felt like a fell swoop, a swift slamming of the door. I realize the feeling, the wave that crashed over me, was relief. I realized I don’t want or need to hash this out and carry this around anymore. The effect was immediate. I felt light. It’s time to move forward. Isn’t what’s ahead so much more exciting than what’s in the past?

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